4 years, 2 months, 19 days....it still hurts.

It's not a nice round number. It's not one year. It's not 18 months. It doesn't matter. For whatever reason, today it hit me, and it hit me hard. I lost my little boy 4 years, 2 months, and 19 days ago. He was supposed to be around 14 weeks strong, but instead I learned he had died nearly 5 weeks earlier. And I will never know why. And if he hadn't died, I wouldn't have Miles. That thought shakes me. For some reason, tonight it hit me hard. I cried, a lot. I miss my boy. And there's a huge part of me that feels like I'm not allowed to feel that way. I don't know why it hit me so hard, probably a combination of all the stress I'm under, but for whatever reason, he was on my mind and I cried. I have gone through some very difficult times, but nothing can come close to losing him. I am so grateful to have Miles and the rest of my family, but it still hurts. A lot. I miss my boy, I know he was a boy. And losing him nearly killed me. I miss my boy. A lot. Always. 💕

Balancing Act

My Mantra. For Everything.

But, especially now.

I've been trying to balance so much. Family and work. Physical and Mental. Worth it or Not. In the end, EVERY decision I have made has been worth it. Has is been easy? Not even close, it has been HARD.

Some might argue that because it has been hard has it really been worth it? I can definitively say, from my experience, that I knew it was worth it BECAUSE it was hard. I mean how do you really know if you don't have to fight for it. Not once in the past few months have I questioned the decisions I have made, and they have been hard ones.

In this current journey, the major thing that I have heard that constantly lifts me up is this:

What an amazing thing you are showing your kids, showing them sacrifice to follow your dream. Showing them that having a dream and following it IS important.

When Chris and I made these choices this never even occurred to me. But, WOW, how true and what an impact BOTH Chris and I are having on our kids. I'm chasing a dream. Chris is supporting my dream. What an example for our kids.

And I'm not trying to say we are better than any other parent. We all make choices that have positive impacts on our kids. I just never thought of choosing my dream in this way. I thought I was being selfish. I worried if my husband and kids would resent me for being selfish. And I still  worry that I'm being selfish, but how comforting to know that several of my friends and acquaintances have said how inspiring my decision has been for them and/or my kids. Yay for perspective.

So I will continue to say these words over and over because while I think we have made the best of our situation over the last few months it has not been easy. But damned if it hasn't been worth it. I am one lucky woman for family and friends that support and uplift me, especially at my weakest of times.

Home

I know I've written about the amount of stress the past few months have created. While I wouldn't change the decision I made in October, it doesn't mean it's easy. And I'm not complaining, I'm simply stating the facts. It's hard. It's exhausting. It's stressful. But, it's worth it. It has been worth it since day 1.

Any way, so now do a lot of driving. A lot. The last week of winter break, for example, I drove 4 hours each day to coach for 2 1/2 - 4 1/2 hours. It was worth it though. The smile on Rylan's face when I said I would be home every night for bed was worth it. To sleep in my bed for 10 nights in a row was worth it. To see my family everyday. Worth it.

And while I'm driving, I listen to a lot of music. Sometimes the radio, but mainly playlists I have made. I have always loved rocking out in my car. And I have especially loved rocking out to songs that "speak" to me. The song might hold significance for whatever is going on in my life at that moment or it might speak to my life as a whole. Well, one song has said it all lately. It has made the 2 hour drive home on Thursday night after a long week so much faster. The words say it all:

Home, let me come home,
Home is wherever I'm with you
Our home, yes, I am home,
Home is when I’m alone with you

If your'e not familiar with the song, you should be. It's Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeros Home. Here's a link to listen https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4306i99LMXo It's a great song no matter what genre is your favorite. Anyway, it has said everything I know to be true. While there is a lot about Cincinnati as my home that I have already said goodbye to, it will continue to be home as long as Chris and the kids are living there. I love my job, but I miss my family. Home is wherever Chris is, wherever the kids are. And every Thursday I sing at the top of my lungs these words. Home, let me come home, home is wherever I'm with you.

The house goes back on the market on Monday, please send positive vibes we can sell it soon so home doesn't have to be so far away!

As 2015 comes to a close, I would like to say Thank You.

What. A. Year. Or more accurately, what a 3 months? Not quite the same ring, but this year has definitely been defined by these past few months. The first 9 months of the year were pretty ho-hum. Nothing too noteworthy, some good, some not as good, overall just status quo. And then our lives were turned upside down in September when it became clear things were about to change.

For those of you late to the party, I accepted a job at Ohio State University (no, I will not write THE) with the Ohio State Diving Club. It was a dream job by all accounts, but with most dreams there is a price. For the past 2 1/2 months I have been going back and forth between Cincinnati and Columbus. I would be lying if I said it has been easy. And it would not be an exaggeration to say there have been times where I have totally broken down physically and mentally. But, no matter how hard it has been, I have never strayed from our mantra - It's worth it.

As I look back on 2015, and I imagine when I look back on it many years from now, there is one thing that sticks out more than anything else. Through this journey it has become abundantly clear to me, like never before, I have an amazing group of people in my life. As hard as the past few months have been, it has been very uplifting to know that I have a husband and kids that support my dream, parents (mine and Chris's) that continue to do whatever they can to be sure I succeed, caregivers that love my kids, and friends that are there at the drop of  a hat if I need a  shoulder to lean on. How lucky am I?

Before I can say goodbye to 2015 I would like to take a moment to thank a few people that have made my life a little less crazy:

Chris - Thank you for always being you and letting me be me, even in my crazy times. Your constant belief in me will always amaze me.

Jake - My oldest, and the one I'm probably hardest on. From day one we knew you were an old soul and your wisdom really showed when you told me you could never be mad at me for following my dream. I will never forget that moment, it gives me strength, Thank you.

Mom - You were willing to move to Cincinnati and/or Columbus in the winter....I'm not sure thank you is enough :) Thank you for loving me and showing me how to be a strong woman so I could follow my dreams.

Ginger and Pete - I'm pretty sure Ginger would have killed me if I had turned this opportunity down ;) And she has been ready, willing, and able to help at any turn since I accepted. Thank you for coming to help when we needed it and constantly supporting me, Chris, and the kids.

Kristin, Paul, Cam, Elli, and Joey Thatcher - THANK YOU! I'm not sure what I would have done without your generosity. Being able to have a "home" 5 days a week when I am in Columbus has helped me more than you will ever know.

Bro - My cheerleader. I know no matter how tough it is, you will be there to cheer me on. I'm so proud of you and am lucky beyond words to have such an awesome brother.

Alex - Our wonderful nanny. She has loved our children like they are family and cared for them as if it were Chris or me. From picking the kids up from school, staying late at night, getting homework and chores done, and making treats/crafts with the kids, she has done it all. She has made it easier to see that I can follow my dream and not be around as much and life will go on. She has also shown me that I cannot be replaced when she calls so the kids can talk to me during a tough time. Thank you for showing me and my kids this, what a gift it has been.

Buck Smith - I don't even know where to begin. Your guidance over the past 8 years has led me to where am I today. I know I wouldn't be here without you. Thank you doesn't even break the surface for the gratitude I have.

The rest of my family and friends - While I may not have mentioned you specifically, you have definitely been huge. Being able to call on you for help, be someone who will listen to my BS, make me laugh when all I want to do is cry, or there ready with a drink, whatever the case, I say Thank You. I hope that I have been able to or can in the future help you the way you have helped me. I love you all more than words and I hope that you know you are more than appreciated by me.

Thanks to everyone that has impacted my life this year. It has been a tremendous year and I'm looking forward to the next chapter in 2016! Happy New Year!

Living the Dream

If you hadn't heard yet, The Eby Family is going to be on the move...again. This time to Columbus.

It was just over two months ago when the word "maybe" left my mouth. It was the last thing I was expecting to say when I started the conversation. I asked a question and got a response I didn't see coming and before I knew it, the word had left my mouth. And here we are now, that "maybe" has turned into me landing a shot at a dream opportunity. I will be coaching full time as the assistant coach for the Ohio State Diving Club.

Growing up a HUGE Michigan fan, my dream certainly never included Ohio State in the scenario. My dream from the time I started coaching was to be a top assistant at a top club team. And the Ohio State Diving Club is a USA Diving High Performance Club and Center of Excellence, one of the top clubs in the country. So even though it's Ohio State, it's my dream job. (And don't worry, I still bleed Maize and Blue).

It has been a whirlwind experience the past couple of months. I've experienced every emotion known to man. Even though this is my dream job, it's not always that easy. I wasn't looking for this and it was very unexpected so that meant a lot of soul searching to be sure that saying yes to my dream was not just the right thing for me, but also for my family. I had to consider EVERYTHING. My schedule, moving, Chris, the kids, my current team, my sanity...you get the idea, it all had to be taken into account.

At the end of the day, it was something I wanted and my family was 100% behind me. I even asked Jake if he would hate me for not being there as much and making us move, he told me "Of course I won't hate you. Mom, it's your dream." Man that kid, still gets me teary eyed.

And so in about 36 hours from now I will start a new chapter. There will be LOTS of growing pains and more challenges than I want to think about as we start our new adventure. But the one thing that keeps me (somewhat) sane is knowing that my family supports me and that everything will workout. How can it not? It's my dream.

Baby Bears Leaving the Den

Today marked the beginning of the end. The time home with the kiddos will be ending in the not to distant future. From what I can gather this can be sad, or at the very least, a lot of mixed feelings. While I did have some flutters of sadness, I was way more excited for and impressed with my two littles.

Let me backtrack a bit. For anyone paying attention on Facebook or anyone that has talked to me in the past six months, the decision to start Rylan in Kindergarten this fall has not been an easy one. Rylan will turn 5 in August, putting her on the cusp of whether to start her as young or old Kindergartner. Should we start her now when she might not be 100% ready or wait a year when she will be more than 100% ready??????? Dear god, this is a question that I never thought I would ask until people told me I HAD to ask it. Why do I listen to other people again?????

Anyway, so Chris and I delved deep into the question of whether to send or not to send. And of course, the answer was murky at best. From a teachers perspective, give her time and make sure she's ready. For those that actually know her? OMG, are you kidding? Of course she's ready! I also was told by everyone that the decision they made for their child was the right one. So yeah, I started to doubt EVERYTHING I thought I knew about my daughter, and my intuition. I talked to EVERYONE. Friends, family, teachers, counselors, you name it! And the reoccurring theme? Trust your instincts, you know your daughter best. So after HOURS of discussion and research, Chris and I found a path that we think is best, for now at least. I put that last little tidbit in there because there is another path we are pondering and may take in the future, but that's for another day.

For now, we have found a WONDERFUL school that will provide a Kindergarten enrichment program in the morning and then bus her to her Elementary school for afternoon Kindergarten. The enrichment program will allow her to work in a smaller class setting, get extra help that she may need, and help her to acclimate to a full day of school. Now I'm sure there are more than a few people asking "why the rush?" Quite frankly, its none of your business. Every family has a unique set of needs and what will work best for them. After going through ALL of OUR needs and where we think RYLAN is academically and socially, we KNOW this is the right decision for US. FOR US. NOT FOR YOU. That is the most important thing. This is a FAMILY decision. Because whether you agree with it or not, we need to look at the needs of the whole to meet the needs of each child. Rylan is special and has very specific needs, but ALL of our kids are special and have very specific needs. That's what makes them who they are. And we need them to know NOW that their life is just as important as their siblings lives. And their parents lives. And in order to make the best decision for each child we need to make the best decision for the family as well. Agree with it or not, its how we roll.

Now, I did say for now....We don't know if this is the answer that will last. So, what do we know? We know that our eyes are wide open and a decision for the future of ANY of our kids is not decided now, but in the choices we make now and going forward with the information we gather along the way. And going through all of this and making this choice and gathering this information, we learned that  we much prefer our kids to experience preschool in a full day setting where they can really stretch their wings and find themselves. In this process for Rylan I found that I was EXTREMELY sad that she did not get the same experience as Jake and Brenden. They started daycare/preschool at younger ages and in a full day environment where they learned how life works. Making friends, cooperating in a group setting, challenging their limits, learning, exploring, and all without the safety net of mom lurking near by. Yes they had teachers, but I can tell you as a coach that kids experience life in MUCH different ways when they are away from the nest.

And so, along with Rylan starting her new school this summer to get acclimated, Miles will start full day preschool now as well. He is 6 months younger than when Rylan started, but more than a year older than when Jake started and almost a year older than when Brenden started. He will go every other week this summer for 3 days per week. And when school starts in the fall he will go 2 full days per week.

And I wish I could send him a third day each week, but this shit is EXPENSIVE and I'm a coach so two days it is. Two days a week I will be solo. For two days I will not be consumed with getting kids fed, napped, and entertained from 9a-4p.

And??? I'm EXCITED! I'm excited to be sending my last two baby bears out into the daycare/preschool/Kindergarten world. And you know what? They are excited too! Miles didn't even care that I left today. Rylan? I thought she would cling to me to say goodbye, but she couldn't be bothered to even look up as I said goodbye. Am I sad? Not in the least! I'm so happy for them, for me! But more than that, I'm relieved. I'm sooooo RELIEVED to know that I DO KNOW MY KIDS.

I don't discount teachers and their professional opinions, but after this experience, I know they don't hold a candle to what I know is best for my kids. Parents - TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS! Take guidance from professionals and seek out as much information as you can, but at the end of the day it is YOUR kid and YOU DO KNOW WHAT'S BEST!

The future is bright, but still unknown for the crazy Eby kids. But the fact that we are willing to learn and be guided by our kids and the choices we make for them makes me smile, and smile big! Cheers to us!

For the Tomboy Mom with a Princess Daughter

I NEVER thought I would have a daughter. But I KNEW if I did, she would be a princess. I knew the universe would give me that challenge. There was no way the universe would let me off easy with a super-athletic, into sports, princesses are dumb, kind of girl. That's just not the way life works. The universe wants to teach, and you have to challenge to teach.

Now let me back track a bit. I had always wanted boys. I thought I would have 3 boys. Why 3? I can't say, but that's what I thought. So when I was safely pregnant (past 13 weeks with positive tests and all) I thought for sure that boy #3 was on his way....except for the ever lurking mother's intuition that said otherwise.

At roughly 19 weeks I found out all of the signs pointing to a girl that I had been ignoring, should not have been ignored. This tomboy momma was having her first girl....Holy S%#$ Balls! I honestly wanted to cry, not out of joy, but out of shear terror.

Seriously, from what I understand, most women that were bestowed two boys would have been OVER the MOON to find out #3 was a girl! I cannot understand this thinking at all! It's been five years since I learned that my 3rd was a girl and I think I'm still in SHOCK. Now, don't get me wrong,  I LOVE MY RY GIRL! SHE ROCKS MORE THAN I CAN POSSIBLY EXPLAIN/CAPITALIZE! Rylan is piece of our puzzle, we wouldn't work without her, no question. At the same time, we cried tears of joy when we found out #4 was a boy....(take from that what you will).

However, as much as I love this princess-pink-purple-doll-loving girl, DEAR GOD, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO WITH HER!!!!!!!!!!!

I see all of these posts about what to do if you are a mom of boys and I think - "What's the big deal???" Boys, they're easy. Yes they are dirty. messy. fight, etc. They leave the toilet seat up, think farting is the funniest thing ever, and will do the most asinine thing you could possibly think of! But to me, those things are EASY! I have been a Tomboy most of my life. I LOVE SPORTS! I have two TVs in my family room so I can watch multiple sporting events at the same time!!!! I get rough and tough, dirt is my friend, and I would much rather do a fantasy football draft than read a fashion magazine - clearly by the way I dress this is no surprise. I DO NOT GET PRINCESSES AND TEA PARTIES!!!

So what the hell do you do if a girl, and a girly-girl at that, infiltrates your life?! Seriously, WHAT DO YOU DO??? I"M STILL TRYING TO FIND OUT!!!

In all seriousness, it has been a blessing in many ways. I'm learning again, or for the first time, what it means to be a woman. Here are some of the things that having a daughter has reminded me of or taught me:

Being Feminine has nothing to do with bows and lace, it is a softness that cannot be taught and has nothing to do with gender..

Being a girl does not mean you are weak. The only way to be weak is to be weak, girl or boy.

You don't have to be a boy to be tough. I have seen toughness from a 3 year old girl wearing a tutu who will not be deterred by two older brothers.

Strength has nothing to do with the size of your body, but the size of your conviction.

Playing house is WAY better than actual playing house :)

Girl time is important - This CANNOT be overstated!

"Girl" toys cannot define you as a girl. Dolls are fun and so are toy guns, nuff said.

You don't have to be athletic to enjoy sports.

NO ONE will deter you unless you decide they can.

You can be a mother.

You can be a sister.

You can control the world. Men may think they do, but I have seen a certain little girl bring the strongest of  men to their knees and ask "what can I do for you?" No man or boy has that kind of power!

My Rylan has taught or re-taught me a lot in these five years. I never thought I would have a girl, and imagine if I hadn't. Surrounded by boys would I appreciate the beauty of this world, of myself as much? I don't know. What I do know is that because of my daughter, who so brilliantly squeezed herself into this family of boys, I get to be reminded of all of the wonderful things that go along with being a girl.

And I thank God regularly that she has two Grandmas much better at the girly stuff than me! :)