37 weeks and 3 days....Overcome with emotions

I had my 37w, 3d appointment this morning and I'm officially stuck at 1cm dilated and 80% effaced. And I feel awful.....physically, emotionally, mentally, you name it. Again the appointment went fine - good bp, good fetal heartbeat, fondal height normal, and I even managed to lose 1lb. And none of it makes me feel any better.

Now I don't expect anyone to feel bad for me or understand why I'm feeling so crappy when I still have 18 days until my due date. This is supposed to be the norm for women at this point, I mean I haven't even reached 38 weeks yet.......But for me it's been over 64 weeks....

I've honestly been debating all day whether or not to post anything, but I figured I've shared this much, what's the point of holding back now. Basically it boils down to this, my journey with #4 started over 64 weeks ago. And in that time there has only been one month that I haven't been pregnant or dealing with a miscarriage or complications from a miscarriage. For those of you trying to figure it out, it comes to 15 months. And that's a long time.

I know haven't been actually pregnant that entire time, but it feels like it. And what's getting to me now is that next week will be when I started noticing problems last year. I was supposed to be entering the 2nd trimester and instead I was having spotting, being told everything was fine (they thought they had found the heartbeat), and finally on January 9th, after a week of worry, I saw my baby lying lifeless on the ultrasound screen at 14 weeks and only measuring 9 weeks. So all I want right now is to have Miles come out before January hits, especially January 9th. I feel like I've gone to hell and back since January 2nd of last year. This is supposed to be a happy and exciting time and instead I find myself scared, full of worry, and incredibly sad. And I really don't know what to do at this point to make it better. And the physical discomfort of aches, pains, and not being able to sleep is just compounding the issue.

So Miles, could please find a way to join us soon and comfort your mom because it's getting harder and harder to cope as January approaches......

And if I haven't totally depressed you, here are the latest belly pics to put a smile on your face:

37w, 3d

Next appointment is January 2nd, one week from today.