Moving on

Note: This is very personal and might be too much information for some.

We lost our baby. It had stopped growing sometime around 9 weeks which is only a week after I had seen it and heard its heartbeat on an ultrasound. What follows is a lot more detail about the day I found out and what I have been feeling since. I'm trying to find a way to move on and this is the best I can come up with now to help in the grieving and healing process.


Monday was  the worst day of my life, hands down. I went in for my 14 week appointment only to leave finding out my baby had died nearly 5 weeks earlier. And to make it worse, the week before the nurse had supposedly found the heartbeat to ease my worries that something might be wrong when I had had some spotting. I should have listened to myself rather than the nurse, I knew in my gut that the heartbeat was mine and not the baby's. I had even had a dream a few nights earlier that I was having a miscarriage. And this time was so much harder. I saw my baby lying so still in my belly, not moving, no heartbeat, and the same size as when I had seen it 6 weeks earlier. The doctor didn't need to even tell me, I knew. And because I couldn't listen to myself my body was none the wiser. This time it would not be natural, my body wouldn't take over and  offer me comfort, instead I would have to take some medicine that would continue to make this even more real and awful. The medicine worked fast and quick, but by no means was it easy. From the cramping to my water breaking to passing my baby it has been a truly awful experience. And of course there is still bleeding so I am still reminded every time I go to the bathroom. And so I don't want to eat or drink anything now. Its not like it tastes good anyway. And I don't want to do anything, but yet I have to be doing something so I'm not thinking about it so now I play computer games until I'm too exhausted to see straight, which you would think would be a lot earlier than it ends up being. And I don't want to be mom during the day. Its strange to be sad about not being a mom to one more baby and not be able to rejoice in the 3 beautiful babies I do have. And of course they don't get it. They're sad, but for like a minute and then its like "you're still sad? Why?" Oh to be a kid and innocent. And of course Chris is out of town. Normally I don't mind sleeping alone on the couch, but I need him here to know HOW to sleep right now. Without him I don't know how to just stop distracting myself so I can sleep because if I stop distracting myself then I think about all that has happened and all that I lost in the past 2 days and then how can I possibly sleep. Between the thoughts and the sobs its awful to even breathe let alone sleep. Could it all just end now, please? Haven't I endured enough pain for one lifetime? My resolve has been challenged plenty I would think by now. I know I will move on and I know I will survive this, but I simply don't know how right now. I can't even see the tunnel to even know if there's a light at the end of it. I wish I could have just held my baby and let him know that I loved him and it was all going to be ok. All I wanted to do when I saw him Monday was climb inside that screen and curl up with my baby and comfort him. I love you sweet baby and I know that I will always think of you. I hope the universe has a better plan for you now.