4 years, 2 months, 19 days....it still hurts.

It's not a nice round number. It's not one year. It's not 18 months. It doesn't matter. For whatever reason, today it hit me, and it hit me hard. I lost my little boy 4 years, 2 months, and 19 days ago. He was supposed to be around 14 weeks strong, but instead I learned he had died nearly 5 weeks earlier. And I will never know why. And if he hadn't died, I wouldn't have Miles. That thought shakes me. For some reason, tonight it hit me hard. I cried, a lot. I miss my boy. And there's a huge part of me that feels like I'm not allowed to feel that way. I don't know why it hit me so hard, probably a combination of all the stress I'm under, but for whatever reason, he was on my mind and I cried. I have gone through some very difficult times, but nothing can come close to losing him. I am so grateful to have Miles and the rest of my family, but it still hurts. A lot. I miss my boy, I know he was a boy. And losing him nearly killed me. I miss my boy. A lot. Always. 💕

Balancing Act

My Mantra. For Everything.

But, especially now.

I've been trying to balance so much. Family and work. Physical and Mental. Worth it or Not. In the end, EVERY decision I have made has been worth it. Has is been easy? Not even close, it has been HARD.

Some might argue that because it has been hard has it really been worth it? I can definitively say, from my experience, that I knew it was worth it BECAUSE it was hard. I mean how do you really know if you don't have to fight for it. Not once in the past few months have I questioned the decisions I have made, and they have been hard ones.

In this current journey, the major thing that I have heard that constantly lifts me up is this:

What an amazing thing you are showing your kids, showing them sacrifice to follow your dream. Showing them that having a dream and following it IS important.

When Chris and I made these choices this never even occurred to me. But, WOW, how true and what an impact BOTH Chris and I are having on our kids. I'm chasing a dream. Chris is supporting my dream. What an example for our kids.

And I'm not trying to say we are better than any other parent. We all make choices that have positive impacts on our kids. I just never thought of choosing my dream in this way. I thought I was being selfish. I worried if my husband and kids would resent me for being selfish. And I still  worry that I'm being selfish, but how comforting to know that several of my friends and acquaintances have said how inspiring my decision has been for them and/or my kids. Yay for perspective.

So I will continue to say these words over and over because while I think we have made the best of our situation over the last few months it has not been easy. But damned if it hasn't been worth it. I am one lucky woman for family and friends that support and uplift me, especially at my weakest of times.

Home

I know I've written about the amount of stress the past few months have created. While I wouldn't change the decision I made in October, it doesn't mean it's easy. And I'm not complaining, I'm simply stating the facts. It's hard. It's exhausting. It's stressful. But, it's worth it. It has been worth it since day 1.

Any way, so now do a lot of driving. A lot. The last week of winter break, for example, I drove 4 hours each day to coach for 2 1/2 - 4 1/2 hours. It was worth it though. The smile on Rylan's face when I said I would be home every night for bed was worth it. To sleep in my bed for 10 nights in a row was worth it. To see my family everyday. Worth it.

And while I'm driving, I listen to a lot of music. Sometimes the radio, but mainly playlists I have made. I have always loved rocking out in my car. And I have especially loved rocking out to songs that "speak" to me. The song might hold significance for whatever is going on in my life at that moment or it might speak to my life as a whole. Well, one song has said it all lately. It has made the 2 hour drive home on Thursday night after a long week so much faster. The words say it all:

Home, let me come home,
Home is wherever I'm with you
Our home, yes, I am home,
Home is when I’m alone with you

If your'e not familiar with the song, you should be. It's Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeros Home. Here's a link to listen https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4306i99LMXo It's a great song no matter what genre is your favorite. Anyway, it has said everything I know to be true. While there is a lot about Cincinnati as my home that I have already said goodbye to, it will continue to be home as long as Chris and the kids are living there. I love my job, but I miss my family. Home is wherever Chris is, wherever the kids are. And every Thursday I sing at the top of my lungs these words. Home, let me come home, home is wherever I'm with you.

The house goes back on the market on Monday, please send positive vibes we can sell it soon so home doesn't have to be so far away!