Babies on the Brain

Note: Some of this might be TMI for some


So I've been debating for a while if and when I should do an update on all the baby stuff. 2012 hasn't been the easiest year for me in this department, but two things I have realized is that this happens to LOTS of people and not a lot of people talk about it. After the wonderful outpouring of support I had after my miscarriage in January I decided that even though it may be difficult to talk about, it not only helped me, but it seemed to help others that had gone through it as well.

There is a lot that went on after the initial miscarriage and I'll try not to get too detailed, but basically the drugs didn't take care of everything and I ended up having to have a D & C anyway at the beginning of February, nearly a month after the whole nightmare had begun. Needless to say, January sucked and took a lot out of me emotionally and physically. However, once the D & C was done, it was all finally over and physically I could start moving on and deciding what to do going forward.

So I had decided, and Chris agreed with me, that we would give it a go again for a few months. If we got pregnant great and if we didn't that would be fine too. And if the unthinkable would happen with another miscarriage then we'd be done for sure. Well, the unthinkable happened, but we weren't sure - or I wasn't sure I was ready to give up just yet.

We found out about the week before our move that I was pregnant again and 3 days after our move I was having yet another miscarriage. Before I knew for sure I was very upset at the possibility. And once it started I felt very...normal. I wasn't super sad or feeling alone. I was angry more than anything that I had had the earlier miscarriage in January, because if that hadn't happened then I wouldn't be having another one now. For the next few days I was fine or I was a mess, not much in the middle.

The one saving grace in all of it was that at least it was happening at 5 weeks and naturally. However, I was in a new city with no doctor, not the most ideal situation. I had gotten into a doctor for a check up when we had moved a few days earlier, but hastily cancelled the appointment when I realized what was happening and when I called back they didn't have the appointment and couldn't get me in until the 20th, it was the 9th. So I started calling other doctors offices and one was able to get me in that day. Although the staff was extremely nice and helpful I DID NOT feel comfortable one bit. It was a step up from a free clinic and I swear there were teen moms in the waiting room. It was very sketchy to be polite. The mid-wife that saw me was very nice and helped talk things through and tested my hcg levels to make sure they had gone back to zero. I am very grateful that they got me in so quickly, but I really didn't want to have to go back there. It just gave me such an awful desperate feeling, I feel very fortunate that Chris and I are able to afford quality medical care. I am also grateful that even though that was not the most ideal facility, the people that work there saw that their patients got good care from the staff.

For the next couple of days I was up and down emotionally, but I had a lot going on with still trying to move and family coming to visit that I was distracted most of the time. Because I was so distracted I really hadn't decided what I would do next. I really thought that if I had another miscarriage that I would instantly want to be done. I mean would I really potentially want to go through it all again? Especially since I already have 3 beautiful kids? I was really up and down with no clue about what to do. And then on the 19th I had a moment of clarity where it all seemed to work out in my head. That 4 still seemed right, like one was missing and waiting to join our family. The next day I had my doctors appointment.

I had found the doctor with the help of a friend. It was the original office that I had called and had scheduled, cancelled, and rescheduled. A friend had gotten a recommendation from one of her friends about the office so I felt pretty good going there after the somewhat nightmare experience from the doctors office I went to the week earlier. Anyway, I absolutely loved the new Doctor. His nurse first spoke with me and was very compassionate and understanding of my situation. And then I had a sit down with the doctor to talk about everything before we had the exam. He thought that my situation was merely bad luck since I didn't have anything to suggest otherwise. He was very easy to talk to and was very supportive of my continuing to try. He also told me that he would be willing to see me every week in the 1st trimester if I do get pregnant again, really anything to help ease any anxiety I might have. It was all so nice to hear.

So now we'll give it a go again - at least for a little bit. I don't want to try for too long though since Chris will be 40 this year and I will be 35 next year. And we do have 3 wonderful kids so if it doesn't work quickly then I'll take the sign from the universe that we're just supposed to be The Eby Family of 5 which is pretty darn good :)